I knew it was trouble when we walked in.
Chris and I have stayed in Air BnBs all over the world - from the Arctic Circle in Finland to Ushuaia at the tip of Patagonia in Argentina. From the haunted house with Ouiji board that locked itself in the closet and the porcelain dolls that I swear followed me into the the bathroom, to the plush condo in Buenos Aires with the rooftop pool.
The key to Air BnB is low expectations. If you have the expectation of "This is literally a place to put my bags and lay my head down", you'll never be disappointed!
The one in Ushuaia, we literally shared a bathroom with 4 other people. The toilet and plumbing was so sketchy I refused to poop in the house...and we stayed there for THREE DAYS. We slept in two double beds in a small library off the kitchen...on my HONEYMOON.
The one in the Arctic Circle had no shower and we had to heat our water with a sauna and shower by pouring a bucket over each others head.
Don't even get me started on the haunted house in Lexington. My husband Chris and our close friend, Brendan, decided to surprise me and Brendan's wife, Sarah, with a weekend on the bourbon trail and booked the mansion of 1,000 African animal masks and porcelain dolls. When we opened the giant creaking door, I was immediately met with a 3 foot tall porcelain doll that was painted sparkly pink from head to toe with nails in its head.
NAILS. In it's head.
So when we pulled up the road to the small California bungalow, I breathed a sigh of relief. Too soon, Katie. You relaxed too soon.
I knew it was trouble when I walked in.
A faint smell of gas coming from the 1950's refurbished stove. I immediately called the owner and she said it was no big deal that it sometimes smells because the pilot light burns really hot and if the house is closed up it'll get a smell. Low expectations.
I knew trouble was a brewing when my mom stood in the middle of the kitchen scanning the room with a blank look on her face, lips tight. I knew it was coming.
I walked out of the house. Dad and I exchanged looks as we unloaded the car.
Nanc came out and stood in the door.
"So we're staying then."
"Yep."
"What if I die in the middle of the night from gas"
"You won't."
"This house is filthy."
"It's just old."
Here it comes. I could feel it. I knew what she was going to say next.
"MARK. I can't stay here."
Yep. There it was.
"Honey you're going to have to."
Nanc shot dad a look of disbelief. She has never heard this response before.
....Let me back up.
I've been traveling and road tripping with my mom, who I affectionately call "Nanc", for 28 years.
It's hard to describe Nanc because she's not "go with the flow" but she really is up for anything.
She's not laid back, but she's where I get my "get 'er done" personality. I have never seen anyone put their head down and get shit done like Nanc gets shit done.
Her motto is "Get up. Take a shower. Get your shoes on and just DO IT."
Nanc doesn't bend to what other's want, she never compromises, she never stops asking questions. She is the insurance company's greatest fear. The store manager's greatest anxiety. I have never seen anyone wear someone down like Nanc. She has racked up more free hotel rooms than an A list celebrity. The whole "no refunds, no changes, no exceptions" on airplane tickets doesn't apply to her. I have seen doctor's offices get her in that day when she was originally told the waitlist was months long.
Her other motto, in response to hearing an answer she deems unacceptable is, "OHHHHHH nononononono."
The number one thing that Nanc does not compromise on is hotel rooms. I have more memories of getting to a hotel room, crashing into bed exhausted, and then promptly overhearing, "MARK. I can't stay here" than I do of us actually staying in the room we were assigned.
And that's even IF we get to the actual room in the first place.
I have even more memories of the 6 of us lugging ALL our stuff up to the hallway only to find it was:
1. Next to an ice machine (unacceptable.)
2. Across from the elevator/stairs (Absolutely not.)
3. By the pool door (Nope.)
4. Has a window facing a
A. Parking lot
B. Street light
C. Gas station
D. Air conditioner
E. Loud bird's nest
F. Train tracks (God forbid)
G. Pool
H. Playground
I. Highway
I quickly figured out to not even bother putting my suitcase down, because sure enough mom would come up and go:
"OHHHHHHH nonononononono." Turn on her heels and head straight back down to the desk.
Once we were in the door, we were only halfway there. It also had to pass the Nanc 5 point inspection test (That I still adhere to to this day, it's my husband's favorite):
1. Sniff check
2. Sheet check
3. Window check (to look for the above mentioned forbidden points)
4. Bathroom check
5. Floor check
If even one point on the list was deemed unacceptable, we heard the inevitable, "MARK. I can't stay here." And we all picked up our stuff and moved rooms.
Multiple times we would all be in bed, lights off, Joe already snoring. Mom would get out of the shower and pull her sheets back and it would be there. A hair. We were up and out of that room before Joe could even wake up.
By the time I was 4 we stopped complaining.
So, back to the Air BnB.
I knew it was trouble when I walked in.
Immediately it failed the sniff test. Shit.
I noted it was located next to a highway which means it failed the window check. Fuck.
I saw the floor was kind of dirty....absolutely failed the floor check. Not good.
Upon further inspection my mom deemed the bathroom acceptable (I only assume this because she didn't say anything about the bathroom)
It absolutely 100% failed the sheet check....I will give her that they had the faint odor of BO (Although I didn't admit it at the time). Might as well have pulled up to a burned down crackhouse.
.5/5 on the Nanc Hotel Rating Scale - not good. Not good at all. The only hotel to ever score lower than this we deemed "The Royal Dump" and mom has not stopped talking about it for 20 years.
The scale officially goes from "Royal Dump" to "Hilton Inn and Suites".
But Nanc did something I have never seen a Nanc do. Nanc got over it.
Her pouting lasted a full day. This has never happened before. Nanc has never been told she can't move rooms. But with Ironman, everything is sold out in the town or outrageously expensive. We were here to stay.
The next morning I woke and peeked into her room. I stiffled my giggle upon seeing her fully clothed, shoes on, arms crossed across her chest like a King Tut in his tomb, sleeping on top of the sheets using a small scarf as a blanket over her arms. Thank God she brought her own pillow.
Nanc is many, many things. She is never boring.
The next day she went to Marshall's and purchased her own blanket and towel and I didn't hear a peep about the house after that.
My dad called this, "A good learning experience for her."
After the race one of the first thing she said after I crossed the finish line was, "I'm SO SORRY for how I acted about the house...I can still come to Hawaii right!? Please don't kick me off your crew team! I promise I'll stay wherever you book and I won't say a peep."
I'm holding you to that Nanc.
We booked another Air BnB for Hawaii....will keep you updated ;)
Love,
Katie
Chris and I have stayed in Air BnBs all over the world - from the Arctic Circle in Finland to Ushuaia at the tip of Patagonia in Argentina. From the haunted house with Ouiji board that locked itself in the closet and the porcelain dolls that I swear followed me into the the bathroom, to the plush condo in Buenos Aires with the rooftop pool.
The key to Air BnB is low expectations. If you have the expectation of "This is literally a place to put my bags and lay my head down", you'll never be disappointed!
The one in Ushuaia, we literally shared a bathroom with 4 other people. The toilet and plumbing was so sketchy I refused to poop in the house...and we stayed there for THREE DAYS. We slept in two double beds in a small library off the kitchen...on my HONEYMOON.
The one in the Arctic Circle had no shower and we had to heat our water with a sauna and shower by pouring a bucket over each others head.
Don't even get me started on the haunted house in Lexington. My husband Chris and our close friend, Brendan, decided to surprise me and Brendan's wife, Sarah, with a weekend on the bourbon trail and booked the mansion of 1,000 African animal masks and porcelain dolls. When we opened the giant creaking door, I was immediately met with a 3 foot tall porcelain doll that was painted sparkly pink from head to toe with nails in its head.
NAILS. In it's head.
So when we pulled up the road to the small California bungalow, I breathed a sigh of relief. Too soon, Katie. You relaxed too soon.
I knew it was trouble when I walked in.
A faint smell of gas coming from the 1950's refurbished stove. I immediately called the owner and she said it was no big deal that it sometimes smells because the pilot light burns really hot and if the house is closed up it'll get a smell. Low expectations.
I knew trouble was a brewing when my mom stood in the middle of the kitchen scanning the room with a blank look on her face, lips tight. I knew it was coming.
I walked out of the house. Dad and I exchanged looks as we unloaded the car.
Nanc came out and stood in the door.
"So we're staying then."
"Yep."
"What if I die in the middle of the night from gas"
"You won't."
"This house is filthy."
"It's just old."
Here it comes. I could feel it. I knew what she was going to say next.
"MARK. I can't stay here."
Yep. There it was.
"Honey you're going to have to."
Nanc shot dad a look of disbelief. She has never heard this response before.
....Let me back up.
I've been traveling and road tripping with my mom, who I affectionately call "Nanc", for 28 years.
It's hard to describe Nanc because she's not "go with the flow" but she really is up for anything.
She's not laid back, but she's where I get my "get 'er done" personality. I have never seen anyone put their head down and get shit done like Nanc gets shit done.
Her motto is "Get up. Take a shower. Get your shoes on and just DO IT."
Nanc doesn't bend to what other's want, she never compromises, she never stops asking questions. She is the insurance company's greatest fear. The store manager's greatest anxiety. I have never seen anyone wear someone down like Nanc. She has racked up more free hotel rooms than an A list celebrity. The whole "no refunds, no changes, no exceptions" on airplane tickets doesn't apply to her. I have seen doctor's offices get her in that day when she was originally told the waitlist was months long.
Her other motto, in response to hearing an answer she deems unacceptable is, "OHHHHHH nononononono."
The number one thing that Nanc does not compromise on is hotel rooms. I have more memories of getting to a hotel room, crashing into bed exhausted, and then promptly overhearing, "MARK. I can't stay here" than I do of us actually staying in the room we were assigned.
And that's even IF we get to the actual room in the first place.
I have even more memories of the 6 of us lugging ALL our stuff up to the hallway only to find it was:
1. Next to an ice machine (unacceptable.)
2. Across from the elevator/stairs (Absolutely not.)
3. By the pool door (Nope.)
4. Has a window facing a
A. Parking lot
B. Street light
C. Gas station
D. Air conditioner
E. Loud bird's nest
F. Train tracks (God forbid)
G. Pool
H. Playground
I. Highway
I quickly figured out to not even bother putting my suitcase down, because sure enough mom would come up and go:
"OHHHHHHH nonononononono." Turn on her heels and head straight back down to the desk.
Once we were in the door, we were only halfway there. It also had to pass the Nanc 5 point inspection test (That I still adhere to to this day, it's my husband's favorite):
1. Sniff check
2. Sheet check
3. Window check (to look for the above mentioned forbidden points)
4. Bathroom check
5. Floor check
If even one point on the list was deemed unacceptable, we heard the inevitable, "MARK. I can't stay here." And we all picked up our stuff and moved rooms.
Multiple times we would all be in bed, lights off, Joe already snoring. Mom would get out of the shower and pull her sheets back and it would be there. A hair. We were up and out of that room before Joe could even wake up.
By the time I was 4 we stopped complaining.
So, back to the Air BnB.
I knew it was trouble when I walked in.
Immediately it failed the sniff test. Shit.
I noted it was located next to a highway which means it failed the window check. Fuck.
I saw the floor was kind of dirty....absolutely failed the floor check. Not good.
Upon further inspection my mom deemed the bathroom acceptable (I only assume this because she didn't say anything about the bathroom)
It absolutely 100% failed the sheet check....I will give her that they had the faint odor of BO (Although I didn't admit it at the time). Might as well have pulled up to a burned down crackhouse.
.5/5 on the Nanc Hotel Rating Scale - not good. Not good at all. The only hotel to ever score lower than this we deemed "The Royal Dump" and mom has not stopped talking about it for 20 years.
The scale officially goes from "Royal Dump" to "Hilton Inn and Suites".
But Nanc did something I have never seen a Nanc do. Nanc got over it.
Her pouting lasted a full day. This has never happened before. Nanc has never been told she can't move rooms. But with Ironman, everything is sold out in the town or outrageously expensive. We were here to stay.
The next morning I woke and peeked into her room. I stiffled my giggle upon seeing her fully clothed, shoes on, arms crossed across her chest like a King Tut in his tomb, sleeping on top of the sheets using a small scarf as a blanket over her arms. Thank God she brought her own pillow.
Nanc is many, many things. She is never boring.
The next day she went to Marshall's and purchased her own blanket and towel and I didn't hear a peep about the house after that.
My dad called this, "A good learning experience for her."
After the race one of the first thing she said after I crossed the finish line was, "I'm SO SORRY for how I acted about the house...I can still come to Hawaii right!? Please don't kick me off your crew team! I promise I'll stay wherever you book and I won't say a peep."
I'm holding you to that Nanc.
We booked another Air BnB for Hawaii....will keep you updated ;)
Love,
Katie
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