Yesterday I went on Cor Jesu's Vivare "young alumni" retreat. My friend from high school Katie posted it on my wall a few weeks ago and tagged a couple other CJ sisters to the post and it struck my interest. I haven't done a single thing with CJ since I graduated and somewhere between moving to Boston and joining the triathlon team my Catholic past was put on the backburner. I figured I had nothing to lose except a Saturday and at the very least I'd get to hang out with my friends so I signed up and sent in my $25 without much thought.
I've never been the most devout Catholic. Most times in church I'm scanning the crowd for familiar faces, zoning out, and making Target lists- and that's if I go at all. Sunday is usually run-day...or ski day. Or sleep in day. Or study day. Or vacuum day. Whatever day it is...it's rarely church day.
Despite being raised by two Catholic parents, going to a Catholic grade school and a Catholic high school, going on retreats and staying in touch with my Catholic friends, I found myself slowly separating from the church. My faith waned and waxed depending on how busy I was and even though I cried at Kairos and wore my cross proudly, attempted to join the Catholic center at BU, attempted a few prayers before bed... it all eventually faded. School got busy and I moved across the country twice - leaving little time to reflect on my faith.
The closest I've come to praying since I graduated from CJA is saying 'JESUS CHRIST!" at the Utah drivers on the highway who have no idea how to use their turn signals. Or panic-praying to St. Anthony when I can't find my lesson plan or car keys or driver's license, which despite my distance from the church, never failed.
The thing is that in St. Louis it's just easy being Catholic. I just assume everyone is Catholic, just like in Utah I just assume everyone is Mormon. Or in Boston I just assume everyone is....well, I just didn't assume anything. I once met a Jedi.
The point is that it's easy being Catholic in St. Louis because it just happens to find it's way into everything. The best schools are Catholic, mass is a social thing, all my best friends in high school loved volunteering and retreats. My mom demanded we all go to church on Sundays, and so while I was there I might as well attempt to get something out of it. But since leaving St. Louis I just found it easier to not put effort into religion, so I didn't.
I've always been aware that God isn't the pinnacle of my existence but I noticed my slacking devotion when I kept messing up responses in Church. The Catholic church changed some of their usual responses to better translate the original Latin text. I'm forever doomed to mess up and continue saying "And also with you" instead of the new "and with your spirit". And apparently Jesus is now “consubstantial with the Father” instead of “one in Being with the Father.” And another one I stumbled over: “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof,” instead of “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you.”
I first discovered the change when I was down in Florida attending St. William's Christmas day mass 2 years ago. I chalked it up to the geriatric community being unable to read the papers, or Betty the secretary typed up the hand outs wrong, or maybe just a Christmas day change. Or maybe I had stumbled into a Lutheran church.
I looked around for the crucifix, just in case.
Yep, definitely a Catholic church. Turns out there was no mistake and the changes were implemented to Catholic churches everywhere. At least before I could fake being a good Catholic.
The truth is I've given up on being the 'go to church every Sunday' Catholic. I'd rather wake up in a sleeping back in the middle of the woods on a weekend camping trip than stay home so I can spend an hour lost in my mind on a Sunday morning. I doubt I'll ever confess on a regular basis to a priest unless I get into the habit of murdering the crap out people and leaving their bodies on the side of the highway. I'll never attend a theological bible study or memorize the New Testament so I can whip out bible verses as a party trick when I drink too much wine.I haven't the foggiest idea of what the Beatitudes are and I don't care much to know unless it's a question at a trivia night at a bar.
And I will always struggle with the whole "put it in God's hands" idea. I mean let's be honest, God has really messed up on some stuff in this world. Like mosquitoes and Hitler and password recovery programs. In my opinion he has royally screwed up the whole, "it takes 9 months to grow a human and 18+ years for them to mature" situation. My plan for my life includes a hunter green Range Rover in my driveway, a house where I can walk out my backdoor and literally be standing on a mountain, and frequent escapades around the world to exotic places like Angel Falls in South America and the base camp of Everest. And if that's not God's plan am I just supposed to say, "meh. I didn't want to see the northern lights anyway"? I don't think so buster.
And what if he forgets to send the sign?
"Oh crap I was so busy sending that miracle for that woman to walk again I forgot to send Katie that job offer at the children's hospital....oh well."
Another thing that bugs me is that there are so many beautiful religions in the world, and so many religions that have so many things in common. The reason I am Catholic is that my parents are Catholic and I was born in St. Louis. But I could've just as easily been born in Utah as LDS or in New York as Jewish or India as a Buddhist. I could've been Protestant or Lutheran or pagan or Hindu. It's all up to chance, and with so many religions floating around with so many devout people (billions who are without a doubt, more devout than I) who are claiming that they are right - how can we be sure?
I don't by any means think all my friends who follow other beliefs are even a little bit wrong in their religion -so am I really right? No knows these things really, so I like to make lots of friends of various religions just to cover my bases. That way when I die and go to the one true heaven (or get reincarnated) the members of the religion who were right all along can be like, "nah it's cool, she's with me."
Always thinking one step ahead.
Yesterday left me feeling better - much better. It wasn't a really spiritual retreat or one with a lot of journaling or reflection or 'me time'. It was more of a "so how are things going?" focus.
The theme was a tree and discussions were split into themes all based on the visual of a tree, starting with where our roots are and how they shape our faith and keep us grounded and how they are strong and keep the tree alive even in winter time. I especially liked talking about the roots of our tree.
So the themes for discussion were:
"Rootedness: Where our faith began" (roots)
"Keeping steadfast: prayer" (trunk)
"Bearing fruit: living the faith." (branches)
We opened with a discussion about trees in different seasons and what season we are in our life.
1. Maybe you're in spring where things are warming up and growing and changing and becoming beautiful and just starting. Things are blossoming and warm weather is up ahead.
2. Maybe you're in summer where things are just steady and going great. Nothing is brand new but you're settling in and enjoying the times.
3. Maybe you're in fall where things are rapidly changing and you're bracing yourself for the cold and what's to come.
4. Maybe you're in winter where...hello!? I'm dead. I'm actually dead.
Turns out, I'm not the only one in winter - at least from a Catholic viewpoint. I spent so much time focusing on what a terrible Catholic I was being that I forgot to consider that I'm not the only one riding the strugglebus. It seemed like each one of us were in some form of Catholic winter, saying to ourselves,"I should be going to church more. I should be praying more. I should be putting God before myself more. I should be trusting Him more." I should, I should, I should.
Sr. Virginia told us Cor Jesu girls need to stop 'shoulding' all over ourselves.
Another thing I need to stop doing is waiting for me to have that "this is is. I've made it" moment. I've spent the last 6 years of my life convincing myself that if I could just get to the next step, or just get to that one place, things will be better.
If I could just get out of St. Louis, things will be better.
If I could just get to Boston, things will be better.
If I could just graduate college, things will be better.
If I could just get into graduate school, things will be better.
If I could just get my master's degree, things will be better.
The past few months it's been, "If I could just get a job in Utah, things will be better."
I realized yesterday that I need to stop waiting. Stop putting so much pressure on the next move or the next stop or the next goal and start thinking that maybe now is the time that I've made it. I feel sad that I put so much focus on getting out of St. Louis that I might forget to remember how wonderful it is being back.
Religiously, yesterday wasn't the most enlightening religious experience I've ever had, but that's not what I"m ready for right now and I think God knows that. I'm just taking some baby steps. The first step to solving a problem is recognizing that you have one, and yesterday I realized that I have a little pit in my stomach where my religion used to be. And maybe that's why things have felt so heavy the past few years. I'm trying to take everything on myself instead of letting God carry some of the load.
After the retreat we had a great mass in a small chapel and for the first time in a long time I paid attention to the readings and the homily. I prayed on my knees after Eucharist instead of sitting down and mindlessly watching people walk up the aisle. And after it was all over we all sang, in true Cor Jesu spirit, "Go light your world' and the Cor Jesu Alma Mater. With Katie harmonizing beside me and correcting my off-beat hand clapping and Melissa reaching pitches unknown to human ears, I felt the presence of God all over again.
And it felt good, really good.
And then we then we sat back and drank beer and wine with the nuns, reminding me that I truly have the greatest religion ever.
This morning on my walk with Luna I said a quick prayer. I started the Hail Mary but after "Holy Mary, mother of God" I forgot the words. So I improv'd for a bit and just finished it with a solid, "aaaaaand.......something, something, something...errr...God is good. LEAVE IT LUNA. LEAVE IT. Thank you Jesus...Amen! I SAID LEAVE IT LUNA." God loves all, including those who can't remember the Ave Maria and yell at their dogs mid-prayer.
Normally I would have beat myself to bits that I should really know the Hail Mary...but I decided yesterday to stop should-ing all over myself.
After my sad excuse for a Hail Mary, I asked God for a sign on what to do next. Just a little nudge. There are so many unknowns right now that it'd be great just for a little something - anything. I told him lay it on me, my ears and eyes are open.It doesn't have to be a job offer or an invitation to move to a new city or anything big really, but I wouldn't say no to that if he's feeling generous. I know he has miracles to do and wars to end and people to save, so just a quick something. I told him I'll try not to over think a sign that's not really there, or under think a sign that's smacking me in the face.
Later on my walk I took a road I don't usually take, for no reason at all. And walked on a side of the road I don't usually walk on, for no reason at all. I looked up at the last second into the window of a closed shop, for no reason at all.
And smiled. He's pretty good.
"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." - Albert Schweitzer
A special thanks to all my CJ sisters, who never fail to rekindle my inner fire.
I've never been the most devout Catholic. Most times in church I'm scanning the crowd for familiar faces, zoning out, and making Target lists- and that's if I go at all. Sunday is usually run-day...or ski day. Or sleep in day. Or study day. Or vacuum day. Whatever day it is...it's rarely church day.
Despite being raised by two Catholic parents, going to a Catholic grade school and a Catholic high school, going on retreats and staying in touch with my Catholic friends, I found myself slowly separating from the church. My faith waned and waxed depending on how busy I was and even though I cried at Kairos and wore my cross proudly, attempted to join the Catholic center at BU, attempted a few prayers before bed... it all eventually faded. School got busy and I moved across the country twice - leaving little time to reflect on my faith.
The closest I've come to praying since I graduated from CJA is saying 'JESUS CHRIST!" at the Utah drivers on the highway who have no idea how to use their turn signals. Or panic-praying to St. Anthony when I can't find my lesson plan or car keys or driver's license, which despite my distance from the church, never failed.
The thing is that in St. Louis it's just easy being Catholic. I just assume everyone is Catholic, just like in Utah I just assume everyone is Mormon. Or in Boston I just assume everyone is....well, I just didn't assume anything. I once met a Jedi.
The point is that it's easy being Catholic in St. Louis because it just happens to find it's way into everything. The best schools are Catholic, mass is a social thing, all my best friends in high school loved volunteering and retreats. My mom demanded we all go to church on Sundays, and so while I was there I might as well attempt to get something out of it. But since leaving St. Louis I just found it easier to not put effort into religion, so I didn't.
I've always been aware that God isn't the pinnacle of my existence but I noticed my slacking devotion when I kept messing up responses in Church. The Catholic church changed some of their usual responses to better translate the original Latin text. I'm forever doomed to mess up and continue saying "And also with you" instead of the new "and with your spirit". And apparently Jesus is now “consubstantial with the Father” instead of “one in Being with the Father.” And another one I stumbled over: “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof,” instead of “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you.”
I first discovered the change when I was down in Florida attending St. William's Christmas day mass 2 years ago. I chalked it up to the geriatric community being unable to read the papers, or Betty the secretary typed up the hand outs wrong, or maybe just a Christmas day change. Or maybe I had stumbled into a Lutheran church.
I looked around for the crucifix, just in case.
Yep, definitely a Catholic church. Turns out there was no mistake and the changes were implemented to Catholic churches everywhere. At least before I could fake being a good Catholic.
The truth is I've given up on being the 'go to church every Sunday' Catholic. I'd rather wake up in a sleeping back in the middle of the woods on a weekend camping trip than stay home so I can spend an hour lost in my mind on a Sunday morning. I doubt I'll ever confess on a regular basis to a priest unless I get into the habit of murdering the crap out people and leaving their bodies on the side of the highway. I'll never attend a theological bible study or memorize the New Testament so I can whip out bible verses as a party trick when I drink too much wine.I haven't the foggiest idea of what the Beatitudes are and I don't care much to know unless it's a question at a trivia night at a bar.
And I will always struggle with the whole "put it in God's hands" idea. I mean let's be honest, God has really messed up on some stuff in this world. Like mosquitoes and Hitler and password recovery programs. In my opinion he has royally screwed up the whole, "it takes 9 months to grow a human and 18+ years for them to mature" situation. My plan for my life includes a hunter green Range Rover in my driveway, a house where I can walk out my backdoor and literally be standing on a mountain, and frequent escapades around the world to exotic places like Angel Falls in South America and the base camp of Everest. And if that's not God's plan am I just supposed to say, "meh. I didn't want to see the northern lights anyway"? I don't think so buster.
And what if he forgets to send the sign?
"Oh crap I was so busy sending that miracle for that woman to walk again I forgot to send Katie that job offer at the children's hospital....oh well."
Another thing that bugs me is that there are so many beautiful religions in the world, and so many religions that have so many things in common. The reason I am Catholic is that my parents are Catholic and I was born in St. Louis. But I could've just as easily been born in Utah as LDS or in New York as Jewish or India as a Buddhist. I could've been Protestant or Lutheran or pagan or Hindu. It's all up to chance, and with so many religions floating around with so many devout people (billions who are without a doubt, more devout than I) who are claiming that they are right - how can we be sure?
I don't by any means think all my friends who follow other beliefs are even a little bit wrong in their religion -so am I really right? No knows these things really, so I like to make lots of friends of various religions just to cover my bases. That way when I die and go to the one true heaven (or get reincarnated) the members of the religion who were right all along can be like, "nah it's cool, she's with me."
Always thinking one step ahead.
Yesterday left me feeling better - much better. It wasn't a really spiritual retreat or one with a lot of journaling or reflection or 'me time'. It was more of a "so how are things going?" focus.
The theme was a tree and discussions were split into themes all based on the visual of a tree, starting with where our roots are and how they shape our faith and keep us grounded and how they are strong and keep the tree alive even in winter time. I especially liked talking about the roots of our tree.
So the themes for discussion were:
"Rootedness: Where our faith began" (roots)
"Keeping steadfast: prayer" (trunk)
"Bearing fruit: living the faith." (branches)
We opened with a discussion about trees in different seasons and what season we are in our life.
1. Maybe you're in spring where things are warming up and growing and changing and becoming beautiful and just starting. Things are blossoming and warm weather is up ahead.
2. Maybe you're in summer where things are just steady and going great. Nothing is brand new but you're settling in and enjoying the times.
3. Maybe you're in fall where things are rapidly changing and you're bracing yourself for the cold and what's to come.
4. Maybe you're in winter where...hello!? I'm dead. I'm actually dead.
Turns out, I'm not the only one in winter - at least from a Catholic viewpoint. I spent so much time focusing on what a terrible Catholic I was being that I forgot to consider that I'm not the only one riding the strugglebus. It seemed like each one of us were in some form of Catholic winter, saying to ourselves,"I should be going to church more. I should be praying more. I should be putting God before myself more. I should be trusting Him more." I should, I should, I should.
Sr. Virginia told us Cor Jesu girls need to stop 'shoulding' all over ourselves.
Another thing I need to stop doing is waiting for me to have that "this is is. I've made it" moment. I've spent the last 6 years of my life convincing myself that if I could just get to the next step, or just get to that one place, things will be better.
If I could just get out of St. Louis, things will be better.
If I could just get to Boston, things will be better.
If I could just graduate college, things will be better.
If I could just get into graduate school, things will be better.
If I could just get my master's degree, things will be better.
The past few months it's been, "If I could just get a job in Utah, things will be better."
I realized yesterday that I need to stop waiting. Stop putting so much pressure on the next move or the next stop or the next goal and start thinking that maybe now is the time that I've made it. I feel sad that I put so much focus on getting out of St. Louis that I might forget to remember how wonderful it is being back.
Religiously, yesterday wasn't the most enlightening religious experience I've ever had, but that's not what I"m ready for right now and I think God knows that. I'm just taking some baby steps. The first step to solving a problem is recognizing that you have one, and yesterday I realized that I have a little pit in my stomach where my religion used to be. And maybe that's why things have felt so heavy the past few years. I'm trying to take everything on myself instead of letting God carry some of the load.
After the retreat we had a great mass in a small chapel and for the first time in a long time I paid attention to the readings and the homily. I prayed on my knees after Eucharist instead of sitting down and mindlessly watching people walk up the aisle. And after it was all over we all sang, in true Cor Jesu spirit, "Go light your world' and the Cor Jesu Alma Mater. With Katie harmonizing beside me and correcting my off-beat hand clapping and Melissa reaching pitches unknown to human ears, I felt the presence of God all over again.
And it felt good, really good.
And then we then we sat back and drank beer and wine with the nuns, reminding me that I truly have the greatest religion ever.
This morning on my walk with Luna I said a quick prayer. I started the Hail Mary but after "Holy Mary, mother of God" I forgot the words. So I improv'd for a bit and just finished it with a solid, "aaaaaand.......something, something, something...errr...God is good. LEAVE IT LUNA. LEAVE IT. Thank you Jesus...Amen! I SAID LEAVE IT LUNA." God loves all, including those who can't remember the Ave Maria and yell at their dogs mid-prayer.
Normally I would have beat myself to bits that I should really know the Hail Mary...but I decided yesterday to stop should-ing all over myself.
After my sad excuse for a Hail Mary, I asked God for a sign on what to do next. Just a little nudge. There are so many unknowns right now that it'd be great just for a little something - anything. I told him lay it on me, my ears and eyes are open.It doesn't have to be a job offer or an invitation to move to a new city or anything big really, but I wouldn't say no to that if he's feeling generous. I know he has miracles to do and wars to end and people to save, so just a quick something. I told him I'll try not to over think a sign that's not really there, or under think a sign that's smacking me in the face.
Later on my walk I took a road I don't usually take, for no reason at all. And walked on a side of the road I don't usually walk on, for no reason at all. I looked up at the last second into the window of a closed shop, for no reason at all.
And smiled. He's pretty good.
"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit." - Albert Schweitzer
A special thanks to all my CJ sisters, who never fail to rekindle my inner fire.
love you Katie. this was an awesome post. I need to stop shoulding too
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