Free Hugs

So I think we've established at this point I'm living with my parents in St. Louis (in case we haven't and I've once again had an entire explanation in my head but failed to clue in my audience, I just cleared it up for you). For the most part it's been pretty painless, and dare I say enjoyable. I haven't lived at home for more than 2 weeks since graduating high school, and I was 18 then - that's a long time ago. But I've actually learned to love having my coffee made, lunch prepared, clothes washed and ironed, dog walked, and my dinner on the table every day - rough life. The only thing that really seems to lack is that my parents have failed to join the 90's and get cable and internet in the home.

I was so taken aback the first time I flipped on the TV while simultaneously attempting to connect to WIFI that I hadn't even considered the alternative to the world wide web and Direct TV. After a few days of quiet despair I found alternative ways of pass time by myself while at home - such as teaching Luna new tricks, taking frequent runs and walks, going to the gym, and starting lively one-man dance parties in the living room.

Lacking internet forces me to leave the house on snow, bleak, cold winter Sundays to do my thesis writing, online class, and lesson planning at the library of coffee shop and I've come to enjoy watching shows such as The Addams Family and 60 minutes and various shows on CBS, my personal favorites being Dr. Chris: Pet Vet and Lucky Dog...for obvious reasons.

Anyway, those shows are only on Saturday mornings. This morning I was watching my usual Sunday morning line-up of CBS Sunday news and found one story they featured particularly horrifying.

There are such things as 'professional huggers'. 29 year old Samantha Hess from Portland, Oregon is a professional hugger- no kidding. She charges $60/hours to lay in bed and cuddle the crap out of you. I'm not even making this up and I wish I were because it literally sends my skin crawling. But here's the article:

Professional Hugger

I might be going a little overboard with the level of horrified I am with this situation, but that's only because I cannot, even in my wildest imagination, imagine calling a complete stranger to come over to my home to spoon for me an hour and pay them. What if the person shows up and they didn't brush their teeth? Or they have body odor? What if they had just left another snuggle client and they have germs? Or they have a cat and you're allergic to cats and your throat closes and your eyeballs fall out? 

Too many unknowns, in my opinion.

Plus a total stranger wrapping me up in my bed in a position called "the tandem bicycle" sounds a bit too much like something verging on prostitution.

I'm not much of a hugger. Once in Salt Lake I was at a bar with my boyfriend Chris and some friends and one particular friend brought an older friend (maybe in his 30's) who was WAY too into hugs. I literally choked back tears as he held me in a 5 minute long body binding death clutch. And the more I protested the more he hung on, he even told me he was 'going to break me eventually' (he was talking about breaking me into loving hugs, but I took it as he was going to break me into a thousand pieces - judging by his strength). And then he continued to hang on me the rest of the night like a chimp to a tree branch. I tried my best to do the 'turn and run' thing where you shoulder bump off his arm and make a sharp turn but he was unbelievably insistent. The worst part was nobody seemed to mind! Everyone kept telling me 'oh he's really into hugs' and 'he's really touchy-feely' and meanwhile I was flat out telling the guy "I DO NOT LIKE HUGS. I DO NOT LIKE BEING TOUCHED. DO NOT TOUCH ME. IF YOU CONTINUE TO TOUCH ME I WILL HIT YOU" as he was laughing at my face, continuing to hug me. He was going around to the whole group giving hugs as I, literally beside myself, considered making up a highly contagious disease as an excuse for keeping my distance. 

He finally gave it up when I shot Chris a "do something or you will find yourself extremely single, extremely quick" and Chris stepped in to my defense, about 20 minutes too late to avoid me having to enroll myself into therapy. 

I single-handedly blame this man for my reason of later getting belligerently intoxicated and dancing on stage later in the night. 

I'd say this is a rather extreme example. It's not that I have a hug-phobia (which is called haphephobia, in case you were wondering). I'm not anti-hug...I'm just pro-cleanliness and space. I'm just now realizing how OCD/anti-social I sound so I'll hop off my soap box for now. But not without giving a piece of advice for those willing to pay for a hug session: take your $60 and head down to your local animal shelter and adopt the fluffiest dog you can find - you can even test out their hugging abilities pre-adoption. A solid dog will not only offer you the best snuggle you've ever had, but he also won't leave with the contents of your wallet after an hour (unless your dog is like my dog and fakes injuries and illness because the vet gives him beef jerky..in which case you will be signing away a month of paychecks, your car title, and your first born son). Anyway, I know I talk about my dogs a lot but I really think every single one of the world's problems would be solved if everyone just found love in the form of a K9. Plus, hugging your dog is awesome. Hugging a paid stranger? Not so much.