I'm in a wee bit of a funk right now. Any triathletes who can offer some kind words of advice, a bit of encouragement, or maybe just a "get off your ass" one-liner would be most appreciated. I'm not sure if it's because since I got to Utah my times have significantly dropped and left me feeling fat and slow (I'm now running a 24 minute 5k - w.t.f. mate?) or if grad-school classes and clinicals leave me so mentally drained at the end of the day that I can't even think about doing anything but going home and napping, but I've quite literally become a bump on a log. At least in my book.
It's really not that bad, yesterday I biked 40 miles and today I ran almost 10, mostly on trails. But it's the whole 'motivation' thing that's tearing me apart. I literally have to trick myself to get out the door. And then when I'm actually out there it takes all my will power to actually stay out there and not turn right back around, put on my XL Miniwanca sweatpants, and crawl under my comforter.
Maybe I went a little gun-ho in June and burnt myself out, or maybe I'm just expecting too much of myself. I only took 5 rest days in June, and most weekends I doubled up on things and did two training sessions in 1 day - but I was loving it! Even though my 5k time went from a sub 21 minute to about 24 minutes, I had the whole "I'm still acclimating" excuse. I was loving exploring more trails, I was loving running through the mountains, and I was loving getting on my new mountain bike. I noticed a 4-pack coming in and my quads got huge - just an awesome feeling of getting more fit than I've ever been before.
But now that I've lived here almost 2 months, I'm frustrated that even though I worked so hard in June my times still didn't go down and I'm still feeling out of breath, tired, and sore everyday. I took every other day off this week and even when I did run it was only a few miles. Even if I take a day or two off and go back at it after a couple days rest I still feel exhausted and weak on my runs. I have to shape up because marathon training starts next week - and I don't think I can make it through those 16+ mile runs feeling so drained! And I just don't think I could handle a disappointing marathon time.
I think I just missing racing a lot. I feel like I have nothing to train for because I have no event to measure myself. I train to race because that's what I absolutely love to do. But racing alone is absolutely the worst, especially if you don't even have anyone there cheering you on - and that's what I'd be doing up here if I raced. I miss having my team with me and seeing everyone in my uniform on the course swimming, biking and running next to me. I miss our embarrassing cheers before we get in the water and all my guy friends waiting for me as I finish. I miss hearing my name get called to get my beer glass or hat or gift certificate when I place in the top 3 in my age group. I miss eating out after the race with the team or going back to the hotel for naps. I just miss my team a whole bunch - they weren't just my team, they were my best friends who have known me since freshman year of college. I even miss all of my friends who weren't on my team - the people I would just recognize and talk to at races.
Triathlon has taken my time, my money, at times my dignity, and my energy. I've fallen off my bike more times than I can count, gotten hit by cars, sprained my ankle and the bottom of my foot, gotten shin splints every year since before I can remember, and have a cycling kit tanline forever burned into my legs and my back. I've had road rash, rub burns, and black eyes from the swim. I've been in so much pain during some races I just bawl my eyes out. My big toe nail has recently fallen off, and I got an infection from rub burns under my arms. Everytime I run over 10 miles I get the worst stomach ache I could possibly imagine and I feel like I'm going to faint. My hair is bleached from the sun, my calves are always cramped, and I have bigger knots in my back than a pirate has on a ship. Right now I'm living in a 6 X 10 living space and what do I have in it? Two bikes and a trainer.
Yes, triathlon has taken much away from me. But it's given me so much more.Tagging along to that first triathlon team practice was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Through it I met my lifelong, unforgettable friends who have stuck with me through everything that college threw at me. I met Chris through the team, the most important person in the world to me and is just as crazy as I am about racing and training. I learned things about myself I would have never learned had I not stuck it all out all, no matter how hard it got.
I know that I'm having a hard time right now remember why I love running, cycling, and triathlon so much, but I know that at some point in the near future I'll pull on my lime green Fastwitch racing flats, my Garmin 405, pull my hair up in my bandana, and hit the pavement at my usual sub-7:30 minute mile, and I'll feel at home again.
...but until then I'm going to have to keep sleeping in my running clothes, keeping my eyes shut until I get outside, and telling myself the more I run, the more I can eat.
Love love love,
me
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