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Three days, three days! Three days until I finally get to return home to my beloved Boston. Saint Louis has never seemed so dull, though the weather was oddly nice today. Last night I went on a platonic date with my friend, Sean, and it was probably the best night of break. Partly because he's just as stubborn as I am, which never leads to a boring time, he knows all the words to all the Backstreet boys songs, and partly because we went ice skating...world's best recreational activity.
I think last night made me realize how much I need to branch out and date more, rather than be caught up in monogamy - I tend to do that. 
I have found that a person can be happy in more than one situation and I have also come to find that there are multiple decisions which lead to happiness, maybe different levels of happiness ranging from content to bursting, but all in all, or maybe it's just me, there is never truly one right option. 
I think I started to realize this in my college searching. Everyone gets so worked up in trying to find the "perfect" college for them. But, the truth is, there are so many different options that a person could find their own niche in any one. Yes, if I went to TCU I would have found a boy to like, a good major, and a best friend. Yes, if I went to SLU I would have found amazing floormates, a city I'm comfortable in, and stuff to do on the weekends. But I chose BU, and though I'm still not sure if I would be happier anywhere else, maybe a place I didn't even apply to, the point is I AM happy at BU and couldn't picture myself going anywhere else.
I think the same concept applies to boyfriends as well. Yes, I could have been happy with Him, we would have had some laughs and some tears, amazing dates and inside jokes. He always called at the right time, called me the the right pet names, and always let me win arguments. And I suppose I could be happy with sitting in complete silence in the car, not singing or having conversations come particularly easily. And I could stick with Him through his hard time and deal with the blaming and the hurt covered by jokes....and I suppose I could deem myself happy. But I think I want to wait to find a happiness I enjoy the most. The screaming, fighting, making up, kissing, passionate relationship I always find so entertaining and exciting. I've been on dates with other guys lately and the entire night I've done nothing but laugh, joke, tease, and carry on conversation that almost comes too easily. It made me realize my personality is the type where I can get along with just about anyone and be with just about anyone easily. But why settle for someone I can just get along with when I could find someone I can't get along without. I love him, but I could live without Him. I have lived without Him. 
I found I don't fully feel myself around him, or maybe just the version of my self that I am when he's around. I want to find someone like my best guy friend in the world. He's charismatic, outgoing, can talk to anyone, and his laugh is obnoxiously contagious. He literally can walk up to any stranger and within minutes have an inside joke running with them. When I bring him to parties I never have to worry about him being quiet or left out, and I'm always proud he's my date or the guy I'm with out in public. If he wasn't practically my brother, I would marry him.
It's going to be hard to live without Him in my life...being in a relationship with Him always came so easy, and I fell back into it over break. But this time I have to be stronger, I have to remember that this is no what I truly want. That I will never be truly happy with Him. That I will never fully feel myself around Him. And just because I want Him to be everything I could ever dream of, that doesn't make it real. The version I want Him to be and the version of what He actually is are two completely different people and no matter how much I wish I could feel differently, I never will. 
So here is to being content that that one day I will find someone who loves the version of me that I love.
That would be just fabulous
Love,
Me

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